||[Aug. 28th, 2005|10:57 pm]
|||||afraid of loosing family||]|
i can't seem to do anything right. i guess thats something i have to deal with. guilt is not what i feel, pain is. i wish i could make it all go away. i know thats impossible. everything hurts and i just don't know what to do. i think i would do better with no emotion. if you have no emotion you can't get hurt. you can't care. you can't love. maybe this is the best thing for me. i just need to through myself into my work. put all my efforts into getting my job done and learn as much as i can while doing it. theatre is the on true thing that i can count on in my life and it will be the one true thing i stick with. it is me life. it consumes me. i am excited to move it will give me a easy way to change, because frankly i'm excited to. i've lived here for 14 out of my 16 years and i'm over it ready to move on to better things. i'm afriad now really afraid. our family lost half of its people to camil we can't loose anymore to katrina. i write through tears for my uncles and cousins, i have so much family that wont leave. why do they have to be stubern barretts? why? i have friends back to being friends. i can't help but feel overwellemed by this. i know its a good thing, but i think they may be taking it to fast. i want them to be at a stable place. i need some friends that will never blow me off. i need people who at least act like they care. BAN AGNST!!!! i need guideice. i dought it will ever come i hope i don't piss anyone off. i hope everyone can understand. why do i always run from anything thats good? i cn't take it. i hope everything will work its self out for the good. if it doesn't it might kill me. it hurts to smile at someone and they look at you with such great hate. did i hurt you that badly? what did i do? if you tell me i could try in fix it. i'm sorry . why does life alway do this to me? how can i make life better? i'm a mature teen i need to get over my self! i can't atke this i'm going to call my uncle tommy and make sure i get to say good bye incase its the last time i get to. night.